Reconciliation

I'm here to tell ya people, reconciliation is HARD!

Every part of it is hard, every minute of it. After a break-up, especially a messy one, there are so many hurt feelings, it can seem at times an insurmountable task to try to mend them. There are bitter, painful resentments that go back years, and the pain is so raw, so real, that you find yourself wondering if there is any way to overcome them.

It takes work to reconcile. Hard work, from both people. There is no way around it, if both people aren't totally willing to work as long and as hard as necessary, the reconciliation will not work. Ever.

I am willing to work. I feel like I have been working hard every day for a month now. I want my marriage to work. I want my family to work. I want my home to be peaceful, happy, and filled with love and laughter. I want this for my children, my husband, and for myself. I can't help but feel, however, that I am fighting this battle by myself, sometimes. I feel like I listen to Mr. Wrong's needs, who he needs me to be, what he needs from me, and I work like hell to be that person, do those things. I don't succeed all the time, I know that. I get tired of trying sometimes and retreat temporarily into myself, and that scares him, I get that. I always try, though. Always.

Mr. Wrong, on the other hand, not so much, lately. Before I moved in, he tried. Hard. He was open, shared his feelings honestly, told me and showed me he loved me in a thousand small ways. I was a priority. I was important. I was loved.

I don't know why he seems to feel that my living with him can make those things unimportant, but apparently he does. I don't know how to make him see that I can't do this alone, because I did this alone before, for years. I ended up separated. I'm drowning, here. I just hope he sees that and throws me a life raft before it's too late.