I don't know what I want.
Have you kind of figured that out by now? Reading through my blog, does the underlying fact that I don't have a clue what the hell I am doing ring clear in everyone's mind? Okay, great. Now that we have that out in the open, I feel much better. I am really big on honesty.
So, I have been dreading this weekend for months now. I don't like Valentines day at all, and this year it loomed ahead, refusing to be ignored almost as soon as I rang the New Year in. Red and pink, everywhere I looked. Stupid commercials on the television. Mushy I-love-you-so-much-I-am-so-glad-you're-in-my-life cards leering at me in stores. I wanted nothing more than for this weekend NOT to happen. So I made a plan. I made a CD of the saddest lost love songs I could find, made a slide show of all of my exes on my media player, and planned to watch all of the pictures, listen to my CD, eat Ben and Jerry's, and cry myself to sleep. Not the best plan, okay, I'll give you that. It was my plan though, and in a sick, weird way, I kind of liked my plan.
Then it happened. On Friday, I found out that I needed to do something that I had no idea how to do by myself. The only person I knew who I could ask for help? Mr.Wrong. Yeah. So, I swallowed my pride, and called him to ask if he would be willing to help me, which would require me to stay the night at his house. After some conversation, he agreed to help me early on Saturday morning, I could come over on Friday night with my kids. Great. The strangest thing happened. We had a really good weekend. I know! I played with BabyG, we talked, We had a good time. Such a good time, in fact, that I stayed an extra night to watch BabyG so Tinkerbell could go on a date. We shopped together, cooked for our kids together, joked, laughed, played with our kids. I was having such a good time, in fact, that I forgot I was supposed to be miserable. Unbelievable. Incredible. Weird. How was your Valentine's Day?
Monday, February 15, 2010
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Cast of Characters
It occurred to me that I am going to have to refer to the people in my life occasionally. So for confidentiality purposes, I have re named these people and I am going to present them all now, to avoid confusion.
1. Mr.Wrong- my almost but not technically ex husband. Depending on how badly he pisses me off, he could also be referred to here as King Douche.
2. Mama Ho- my best friend and roommate. Hopeless shopaholic, heart of gold, with an unfortunate innate ability to pick the wrong life partners.
3. Baby Whore- Daughter of Mama Ho, lives in the room next to mine. She is 22, and acts it most of the time. She likes to sleep, watch TV, and eat Ben and Jerry's.
4. The Enforcer- Son of Mama Ho. He lives down the street from us with Mama's ex#2. He comes over as needed to bring children in line. He makes me laugh.
5. Fluffy- son of Mama Ho. He lives here part time. He is twelve. He likes to fight with the other children in the house. Then we send him back to the enforcer.
6. Prostitot- daughter of Mama Ho. She is 9 but she thinks she is 25. She likes to tell us where babies come from. She will demonstrate for you with her teddy bear if you want. She scares me.
7. Juicy- My daughter. She lives far away now. She lives with her boyfriend, Lump.
Juicy just turned 21. She thinks its funny to drunk text me. I am not amused.
8. Tinkerbell- My daughter. She is 16, and the mother of BabyG. She is tough as nails on the outside, fiercly loyal, and a great mom. She has quite a temper.
9. Bear Cub- My son. He is 15. He likes to play video games. He does NOT like heart to heart talks with his mother.
10. Alley Cat- My daughter. She is 12 years old, she also thinks she is 25. She is very fashion conscience. Usually she is very sweet, but she can turn on you in a heartbeat if you make her mad.
11. Bug- My youngest son. He is 8. He thinks his mother is the greatest person in the world. I like that.
12. BabyG.- My grandson. He is 8 months old. I think he is the greatest baby in the world.
13. Pokey- Mama Ho's boyfriend. He doesnt talk much. He sleeps a lot. We have bitchfests about him often. Mama Ho leads the bitchfests.
14. Basement Dweller- He lives here too, in the basement. He plays video games. All. The. Time. That's about all he does. We see him when he is hungry.
So, that is us. Much more to come!
1. Mr.Wrong- my almost but not technically ex husband. Depending on how badly he pisses me off, he could also be referred to here as King Douche.
2. Mama Ho- my best friend and roommate. Hopeless shopaholic, heart of gold, with an unfortunate innate ability to pick the wrong life partners.
3. Baby Whore- Daughter of Mama Ho, lives in the room next to mine. She is 22, and acts it most of the time. She likes to sleep, watch TV, and eat Ben and Jerry's.
4. The Enforcer- Son of Mama Ho. He lives down the street from us with Mama's ex#2. He comes over as needed to bring children in line. He makes me laugh.
5. Fluffy- son of Mama Ho. He lives here part time. He is twelve. He likes to fight with the other children in the house. Then we send him back to the enforcer.
6. Prostitot- daughter of Mama Ho. She is 9 but she thinks she is 25. She likes to tell us where babies come from. She will demonstrate for you with her teddy bear if you want. She scares me.
7. Juicy- My daughter. She lives far away now. She lives with her boyfriend, Lump.
Juicy just turned 21. She thinks its funny to drunk text me. I am not amused.
8. Tinkerbell- My daughter. She is 16, and the mother of BabyG. She is tough as nails on the outside, fiercly loyal, and a great mom. She has quite a temper.
9. Bear Cub- My son. He is 15. He likes to play video games. He does NOT like heart to heart talks with his mother.
10. Alley Cat- My daughter. She is 12 years old, she also thinks she is 25. She is very fashion conscience. Usually she is very sweet, but she can turn on you in a heartbeat if you make her mad.
11. Bug- My youngest son. He is 8. He thinks his mother is the greatest person in the world. I like that.
12. BabyG.- My grandson. He is 8 months old. I think he is the greatest baby in the world.
13. Pokey- Mama Ho's boyfriend. He doesnt talk much. He sleeps a lot. We have bitchfests about him often. Mama Ho leads the bitchfests.
14. Basement Dweller- He lives here too, in the basement. He plays video games. All. The. Time. That's about all he does. We see him when he is hungry.
So, that is us. Much more to come!
Saturday, February 6, 2010
A meme for Fun
The rules are simple: Hit shuffle on your iPod (or whatever mp3 player or your music library on your computer) then answer each question by hitting next.
Q: What does next year have in store for you?
A: Greedy Room by Three Days Grace
Q: What does your love life look like next year?
A: 867-5309 Jenny by Tomy Tunes (lmao!)
Q: What do you say when life gets hard?
A: These Walls by Trapt
Q: Song that reminds you of good times?
A: Rain by Breaking Benjamin
Q: What do you think when you get up in the morning?
A: Echo by Trapt
Q: What song will you dance to at your wedding?
A: Not So Unusual by Jason Mraz
Q: Song that reminds you of your first kiss?
A: I Feel Good by James Brown (I love this!)
Q: Your favorite saying?
A: I Hope You Die by Bloodhound Gang ( Perfect!)
Q: Favorite place?
A: Here Without You by Three Doors Down (Ben and Jerrys now please!)
Q: Most Missed Memory?
A: Maybe this Time by Glee Cast
Q: What song describes your best friend?
A: Bella Luna by Jason Mraz (she approves)
Q: What song describes your ex?
A: Weather Man Three Days Grace
Q: Where would you go on a first date?
A: Just to see you smile Tim McGraw (I'm such a romantic!)
Q: Drug of choice?
A: Tonight Not Again by Jason Mraz (I don't get this one)
Q: What song describes you?
A: Born Like This Three Days Grace (Speechless!)
Q: What is the thing you like doing most?
A: Stranger Than Fiction Five Finger Death Punch
Q: The song that best describes the president?
A: Somebody to Love by Glee Cast
Q: Where will you be in 10 years?
A: Did You Get My Message Jason Mraz ( Crap I'm STILL gonna be lost)
Q: Your love life right now?
A: Crossroads John Mayer (Perfect!)
Q: What is your state of mind like at the moment?
A: Greedy Room Three Days Grace
Q: How will you die?
A: Criminal Justin Nozuka
Q: What does next year have in store for you?
A: Greedy Room by Three Days Grace
Q: What does your love life look like next year?
A: 867-5309 Jenny by Tomy Tunes (lmao!)
Q: What do you say when life gets hard?
A: These Walls by Trapt
Q: Song that reminds you of good times?
A: Rain by Breaking Benjamin
Q: What do you think when you get up in the morning?
A: Echo by Trapt
Q: What song will you dance to at your wedding?
A: Not So Unusual by Jason Mraz
Q: Song that reminds you of your first kiss?
A: I Feel Good by James Brown (I love this!)
Q: Your favorite saying?
A: I Hope You Die by Bloodhound Gang ( Perfect!)
Q: Favorite place?
A: Here Without You by Three Doors Down (Ben and Jerrys now please!)
Q: Most Missed Memory?
A: Maybe this Time by Glee Cast
Q: What song describes your best friend?
A: Bella Luna by Jason Mraz (she approves)
Q: What song describes your ex?
A: Weather Man Three Days Grace
Q: Where would you go on a first date?
A: Just to see you smile Tim McGraw (I'm such a romantic!)
Q: Drug of choice?
A: Tonight Not Again by Jason Mraz (I don't get this one)
Q: What song describes you?
A: Born Like This Three Days Grace (Speechless!)
Q: What is the thing you like doing most?
A: Stranger Than Fiction Five Finger Death Punch
Q: The song that best describes the president?
A: Somebody to Love by Glee Cast
Q: Where will you be in 10 years?
A: Did You Get My Message Jason Mraz ( Crap I'm STILL gonna be lost)
Q: Your love life right now?
A: Crossroads John Mayer (Perfect!)
Q: What is your state of mind like at the moment?
A: Greedy Room Three Days Grace
Q: How will you die?
A: Criminal Justin Nozuka
The Real Me
You say that you want me back, but I have to wonder, do you even know who I am? I have to warn you, the person you knew, the person you say you miss, doesn't exist anymore. Actually, she never really did exist. The reality is, I made her up. I knew what was expected, knew exactly who everyone wanted me to be, so that's exactly who I was. I wasn't really trying to lie, that was never my intention. I just knew, at the very core, where the real truth can be found, that I wasn't good enough. For anyone. Not for you, certainly not for these amazing people who called me mommy. So, I tried. I really and honestly tried to be the person that everyone wanted, needed, me to be. I was better at it than I thought. I did it so well for so long that I kind of forgot who I really am. I don't know if I ever really knew the real me, but I do now, and from now on, that is who I will be, for better or worse.
Do you know what it's like to have the people you love more than life itself look at you differently? To be in a crowded place, and have strangers look at you with disapproval, judgment, or, in extreme cases, even outright disgust? Do you know what it like to look at those same people and know that they have the right to cast a vote regarding the validity of your soul? I do, now. These things do something to a person. Not necessarily bad things. It makes you stronger, thicker skinned. It gives you a sort of jagged edge, a protection of sorts. The tough, sharp outer layer necessary to protect the soft, bruised interior.
So, before you say something like you want me back, you need to take time. Take time to know who I am, all of me, even the parts you don't like. This is who I am now, and I'm not sure I fit in your world anymore. Are you?
Do you know what it's like to have the people you love more than life itself look at you differently? To be in a crowded place, and have strangers look at you with disapproval, judgment, or, in extreme cases, even outright disgust? Do you know what it like to look at those same people and know that they have the right to cast a vote regarding the validity of your soul? I do, now. These things do something to a person. Not necessarily bad things. It makes you stronger, thicker skinned. It gives you a sort of jagged edge, a protection of sorts. The tough, sharp outer layer necessary to protect the soft, bruised interior.
So, before you say something like you want me back, you need to take time. Take time to know who I am, all of me, even the parts you don't like. This is who I am now, and I'm not sure I fit in your world anymore. Are you?
Thursday, February 4, 2010
It's Time
I have always been a pacifist by nature. I don't believe in fighting hatred with hatred, I don't believe in guns, or war. I do, however, believe that we have a military, young men and women who risk their lives to defend our country, my country, and that we as citizens should be thankful, and respectful of what they do. All of them. No matter who they are. Even if they happen to be gay.
It has always seemed rather sad to me, that we ask people to risk their lives to fight for our freedom, while denying them the most basic of freedoms, the freedom to be who they are. I never understood how the leaders of our country failed to see the hypocrisy in that. Yesterday, Colin Powell actually agreed with me.
"Attitudes and circumstances have changed," Powell said. "It's been a whole generation" since the legislation was adopted, and there is increased "acceptance of gays and lesbians in society," he said. "Society is always reflected in the military. It's where we get our soldiers from."
I have known people who have been discharged from the military for being lesbians. Personally, I really don't understand why a gay person would choose to serve in a military that clearly doesn't want them to be there. That is the beauty of choice, and I respect their choice to serve. I don't respect the fact that, since the inception of DADT 17 years ago, 13,500 men and women have been discharged. 13,500 careers ruined, livelihoods lost, because of sexual orientation. That, in my eyes, is not acceptable.
I am fully aware that once DADT is repealed, all hell is going to break loose. Sadly, even in 2010, homophobia can be deadly. I fear for the safety of the brave men and women who will proudly announce to the world who they are. Words cannot express my pride in them all. I am hopeful, that with the repeal we will pave the way for the next step, when, at long last, all men and women have the right to marry the person that they love, and live with dignity and respect. Because it's right. Because it's time.
It has always seemed rather sad to me, that we ask people to risk their lives to fight for our freedom, while denying them the most basic of freedoms, the freedom to be who they are. I never understood how the leaders of our country failed to see the hypocrisy in that. Yesterday, Colin Powell actually agreed with me.
"Attitudes and circumstances have changed," Powell said. "It's been a whole generation" since the legislation was adopted, and there is increased "acceptance of gays and lesbians in society," he said. "Society is always reflected in the military. It's where we get our soldiers from."
I have known people who have been discharged from the military for being lesbians. Personally, I really don't understand why a gay person would choose to serve in a military that clearly doesn't want them to be there. That is the beauty of choice, and I respect their choice to serve. I don't respect the fact that, since the inception of DADT 17 years ago, 13,500 men and women have been discharged. 13,500 careers ruined, livelihoods lost, because of sexual orientation. That, in my eyes, is not acceptable.
I am fully aware that once DADT is repealed, all hell is going to break loose. Sadly, even in 2010, homophobia can be deadly. I fear for the safety of the brave men and women who will proudly announce to the world who they are. Words cannot express my pride in them all. I am hopeful, that with the repeal we will pave the way for the next step, when, at long last, all men and women have the right to marry the person that they love, and live with dignity and respect. Because it's right. Because it's time.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
The Rules
It has come to my attention that there are some people in this world who, for whatever reason, just don't understand how to behave in society. Sadly, these poor misguided souls are wandering free in this world just waiting to behave like a douche cake. I don't blame them, as I said, I am not about blame, it's just the way they are. However, as of late, one such douche cake has been making my otherwise peaceful little world, umm, unpeaceful, shall we say. So, in a very Zen, peace loving way, I am going to explain the rules, as I see them.
1. Don't say ignorant, nasty things is text messages. Really? Assuming you aren't 12, you can express yourself in a respectful way, I am sure. Actually, as adults, I think if you have a serious matter to discuss, it should be done at least on the phone, if not in person. Seriously, some things are just not appropriate for text messages.
2. If you are arguing, please stay on topic. For the love of God, don't bring up last month, last year, last decade if you are arguing about something that is happening now. It is just not necessary, it won't get you anywhere, and you look like a douche cake. I'm sorry, you do. The past is in the past, move on.
3. Closely related to 2, if you are angry at me, please direct your anger, and therefore your insults, at me. Do not bring my friends into it. Your problem is not with them, but if you fuck with my friends, you will have more problems with me than you ever imagined. Do not push me on this point, I will not budge.
4. If you are going through a breakup, please remember that no matter how wronged you may feel, everyone deserves to be happy. Everyone. Even your ex. Please don't lower yourself to trying to sabotage every good time you find out your ex might be having. Very uncool! Again, your douche cake-ness is going to show through, you will end up looking like a jackass, and your ex will still have a good time.
5. We have all made mistakes. None of us here on earth are perfect, unless you happen to be God, or Buddha, or someone. When confronted with your mistake, for fucks sake, admit to them. Don't automatically point your finger at someone else in a pitiful attempt to pin the blame on them. Own it, admit it, if you can be genuine, apologize, and move on. Again, the past is in the past.
6. When someone apologizes to you, and you accept said apology, let the matter end there. Life is short my friends, to short to hold on to resentments, so, again, let the past be the past, and lets try to make tomorrow better, shall we?
7. Do not cyberstalk! I can't stress this point enough! This is not only making you look again like a douche, but it is gross, and creepy, and, just fyi, punishable by law.
8. When you break up with an ex, and you say it's over, for fucks sake, let it be over. Do not assume that you still have "ownership" over your ex. That is probably part of the reason that they are your ex. No one "owns" another person. Trying to act like you do, will not make it come true, but it will make you an asshole.
9. If you do, by whatever means, gain information about an ex in regards to a new relationship, my best advice to you would be to ignore it. If you become more fixated on the new person than your ex is....you guessed it...douche cake.
10. If your relationship produced children, for the love of God, please leave the children out of your fights. Do not pump the poor souls for information about your ex's activities. This is lower than the lowest thing you could possibly do, and no normal human being will tolerate it. Stop this at one you fuckface!
There is a lot more I could say on this topic, but that is all for now. God bless you.
1. Don't say ignorant, nasty things is text messages. Really? Assuming you aren't 12, you can express yourself in a respectful way, I am sure. Actually, as adults, I think if you have a serious matter to discuss, it should be done at least on the phone, if not in person. Seriously, some things are just not appropriate for text messages.
2. If you are arguing, please stay on topic. For the love of God, don't bring up last month, last year, last decade if you are arguing about something that is happening now. It is just not necessary, it won't get you anywhere, and you look like a douche cake. I'm sorry, you do. The past is in the past, move on.
3. Closely related to 2, if you are angry at me, please direct your anger, and therefore your insults, at me. Do not bring my friends into it. Your problem is not with them, but if you fuck with my friends, you will have more problems with me than you ever imagined. Do not push me on this point, I will not budge.
4. If you are going through a breakup, please remember that no matter how wronged you may feel, everyone deserves to be happy. Everyone. Even your ex. Please don't lower yourself to trying to sabotage every good time you find out your ex might be having. Very uncool! Again, your douche cake-ness is going to show through, you will end up looking like a jackass, and your ex will still have a good time.
5. We have all made mistakes. None of us here on earth are perfect, unless you happen to be God, or Buddha, or someone. When confronted with your mistake, for fucks sake, admit to them. Don't automatically point your finger at someone else in a pitiful attempt to pin the blame on them. Own it, admit it, if you can be genuine, apologize, and move on. Again, the past is in the past.
6. When someone apologizes to you, and you accept said apology, let the matter end there. Life is short my friends, to short to hold on to resentments, so, again, let the past be the past, and lets try to make tomorrow better, shall we?
7. Do not cyberstalk! I can't stress this point enough! This is not only making you look again like a douche, but it is gross, and creepy, and, just fyi, punishable by law.
8. When you break up with an ex, and you say it's over, for fucks sake, let it be over. Do not assume that you still have "ownership" over your ex. That is probably part of the reason that they are your ex. No one "owns" another person. Trying to act like you do, will not make it come true, but it will make you an asshole.
9. If you do, by whatever means, gain information about an ex in regards to a new relationship, my best advice to you would be to ignore it. If you become more fixated on the new person than your ex is....you guessed it...douche cake.
10. If your relationship produced children, for the love of God, please leave the children out of your fights. Do not pump the poor souls for information about your ex's activities. This is lower than the lowest thing you could possibly do, and no normal human being will tolerate it. Stop this at one you fuckface!
There is a lot more I could say on this topic, but that is all for now. God bless you.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Words
I love words.
If you happen to know me in "real life", you can attest to this. Do I not talk more than anyone you know? Do I not start conversations with random strangers in grocery store lines? Do I not say goodbye at least three times before actually hanging up the phone? Send text messages that could be novellas? Would I not talk to a TREE if left with no other option? Yeah, that would be me. If you don't know me in "real life", the fact that I have a blog might be a clue. I love words.
This is why I was so upset today, when reading some amazing blogs that I have fallen behind on lately, I found out that a school board in California has banned the dictionary! Apparently, the dictionary has a definition for "oral sex" and cannot possibly be useful for a fourth and fifth grade research library.
I have a fourth grade student. I haven't asked him, but I am reasonably sure that he has no idea what oral sex is. My roommate has a fourth grade student as well. Again, I have not asked, but I am reasonably sure she does know what oral sex is. I am equally sure neither of them have looked the term up in a dictionary.
I am not sure why one child most likely does know and one likely doesn't. My son is rather immature for his age, as the youngest of five, I think that is common. Her daughter is the youngest of four, and very mature for her age. If my son were to ask me what it was, I would most likely tell him, because I believe in answering these types of questions honestly as they are asked.
Now, I should pause here and explain that my parenting style has been criticized more than once. Mostly by people who have no children, but occasionally by people who do. I don't believe in bedtimes, I encourage my children to question authority. Respectfully, but question rather than blindly follow. I also don't think the world is going to come to an end if my kids are really angry and use a "dirty" or "bad" word. When I was a little girl, my grandmother told me that words like fuck or shit weren't bad words. They were ugly words, that shouldn't be said, but words like hate and war are "bad" words. Perhaps that is why I feel the way I do. I have a tendency to let the words fly myself when I am angry. I don't like my kids to say those words because I think it makes them sound rather stupid, and my children are all amazingly smart. They will get in trouble with me if they use words like gay, or fag, or queer as an insult. Luckily, that rarely if ever happens.
My point is this. We can ban books, we can make words taboo, we can shelter children to amazing lengths, but what are we accomplishing? Perhaps, instead of taking things away, instead of hiding the things that make us as parents uncomfortable, we should talk with our children. Maybe we should look up dirty words in the dictionary together, as we all did as children, and giggle with our children over the tantalizing definitions, then explain them, discuss their thoughts. Maybe then we will truly be acting with our kids best interest at heart, and we can make this world the kind of world we all keep saying we want.
If you happen to know me in "real life", you can attest to this. Do I not talk more than anyone you know? Do I not start conversations with random strangers in grocery store lines? Do I not say goodbye at least three times before actually hanging up the phone? Send text messages that could be novellas? Would I not talk to a TREE if left with no other option? Yeah, that would be me. If you don't know me in "real life", the fact that I have a blog might be a clue. I love words.
This is why I was so upset today, when reading some amazing blogs that I have fallen behind on lately, I found out that a school board in California has banned the dictionary! Apparently, the dictionary has a definition for "oral sex" and cannot possibly be useful for a fourth and fifth grade research library.
I have a fourth grade student. I haven't asked him, but I am reasonably sure that he has no idea what oral sex is. My roommate has a fourth grade student as well. Again, I have not asked, but I am reasonably sure she does know what oral sex is. I am equally sure neither of them have looked the term up in a dictionary.
I am not sure why one child most likely does know and one likely doesn't. My son is rather immature for his age, as the youngest of five, I think that is common. Her daughter is the youngest of four, and very mature for her age. If my son were to ask me what it was, I would most likely tell him, because I believe in answering these types of questions honestly as they are asked.
Now, I should pause here and explain that my parenting style has been criticized more than once. Mostly by people who have no children, but occasionally by people who do. I don't believe in bedtimes, I encourage my children to question authority. Respectfully, but question rather than blindly follow. I also don't think the world is going to come to an end if my kids are really angry and use a "dirty" or "bad" word. When I was a little girl, my grandmother told me that words like fuck or shit weren't bad words. They were ugly words, that shouldn't be said, but words like hate and war are "bad" words. Perhaps that is why I feel the way I do. I have a tendency to let the words fly myself when I am angry. I don't like my kids to say those words because I think it makes them sound rather stupid, and my children are all amazingly smart. They will get in trouble with me if they use words like gay, or fag, or queer as an insult. Luckily, that rarely if ever happens.
My point is this. We can ban books, we can make words taboo, we can shelter children to amazing lengths, but what are we accomplishing? Perhaps, instead of taking things away, instead of hiding the things that make us as parents uncomfortable, we should talk with our children. Maybe we should look up dirty words in the dictionary together, as we all did as children, and giggle with our children over the tantalizing definitions, then explain them, discuss their thoughts. Maybe then we will truly be acting with our kids best interest at heart, and we can make this world the kind of world we all keep saying we want.
Monday, February 1, 2010
The Things I Carry With Me
Ten years ago, I carried a two year old little girl. She was loving, adorable, and instantly loved by everyone who saw her. Her two older sisters and one older brother were with me constantly, not carried, but attached none the less, with sticky hands and firm, sturdy arms. I carried a diaper bag, too. It held spare clothes, cheerios, boo-boo tape (band-aids) and blankies.
Today, that two year old is a beautiful, blonde, older than her years twelve year old. She has compassion, and a strong sense of right and wrong. Her oldest sister is now far away from us, living her own life, and missed terribly by all of us. Her other sister is now a mom with a diaper bag of her own, and her older brother has somehow changed from my beautiful little boy into a handsome, quiet teenager. They have been joined by another brother, now eight years old. My diaper bag has been replaced by one of many hand bags, depending on my mood, and the cheerios have been replaced by mints and gum, but they are still carried mainly for them, just like the cheerios.
Ten years ago, my son died. I carried the grief of his passing clearly, the pain raw and exposed, probably to the point of making other people uncomfortable around me. His name was spoken in whispers around me, kindness showed to me by caring people afraid to open the wound that had not yet begun to heal. I remember thinking at the time that it never would heal.
I was right. That kind of wound never does heal fully. After experiencing pain that deep, that all consuming, you are left forever with a void. The void can not be filled, not with more children, sex, alcohol or drugs. The pain, however, does lessen. One day you wake up, and you realize that you can breathe, that life has been going on all around you, and people are depending on you, looking to you to help them with their grief and pain. It is always with me, and always will be. The pain has changed me, and carrying it has made me stronger, I think, and so appreciative of my children it's hard to let them grow up sometimes.
Ten years ago, I carried an engagement ring and a wedding ring on my left ring finger. They were symbols to the world, and to myself, that I belonged to someone. I wore them proudly, and in really bad times in my marriage, would look at them and tell myself they meant that I was okay, that I was loved. Ten years ago, I carried with me a deep, all encompassing need to be loved no matter what. I truly believed that if I was loved, if I was "in love", nothing else mattered, I was complete, a whole person. I could overlook anything, as long as I was "in love".
Today, my left ring finger is empty. My rings were taken off, and my marriage is over. They were replaced, briefly, wrongly by other rings, on two separate occasions. Not wedding rings, but symbols none the less. I was "in love", someone loved me, so therefore, I was okay. I no longer carry that need. Today, I feel that the word love is so highly overused, and so misused, that I don't believe in being "in love" anymore. It is a big realization for me to come to, that I don't believe in love. Of course, I love my children, but the other love, the intoxicating, you complete me, you had me at hello, love? No, I honestly don't believe in it anymore. That is kind of sad, I think, but it's okay for now, I'm good with that.
Ten years ago, I carried a secret. I hid this secret from everyone, guarding it with everything in me. I hid it, most especially, from myself. I thought about it sometimes, during long, sleepless nights. I would quickly force myself to think of something, anything else. To reveal the secret to myself, to open it up, lay it out and examine it, would mean questioning everything in my entire life. It would mean questioning my motherhood, my marriage, my role as a daughter, a sister, a friend. Doing that would require a strength almost super human, I thought, although I knew that many, many people had. I applauded them silently, in some hidden corner of my heart even envied them, but I knew, no matter what, I could never be like them.
Today, that secret is still with me. It isn't as guarded or protected anymore, shared with trusted, loyal friends and, finally, myself. The amazing thing is, I didn't die! No one has turned their back on me, no one has stopped talking to me, no one has told me I am no longer welcome in their life. I am humbled and saddened that I didn't give these amazing people the credit that they deserved from the beginning. Because of their openness, their acceptance, their love, I have been able to slowly, timidly, but with growing confidence, open my circle and share my secret with more and more people. People like me, people like you, people willing to turn a light on dark places, and prove, once and for all, that their is nothing so scary in the darkness. I lack the words to express my gratitude to them all.
My load was pretty heavy ten years ago, and I am so grateful that is is so much lighter today. There were a lot of bad things, a lot of painful, scary places that I wouldn't want my worst enemy to go through. I wouldn't change any of it though, looking back. All of the things I carried then have brought me to the place that I am now. While far, far, from perfect, I am in a pretty good place today, and for the first time in my life, I can't wait to see what happens next.
Today, that two year old is a beautiful, blonde, older than her years twelve year old. She has compassion, and a strong sense of right and wrong. Her oldest sister is now far away from us, living her own life, and missed terribly by all of us. Her other sister is now a mom with a diaper bag of her own, and her older brother has somehow changed from my beautiful little boy into a handsome, quiet teenager. They have been joined by another brother, now eight years old. My diaper bag has been replaced by one of many hand bags, depending on my mood, and the cheerios have been replaced by mints and gum, but they are still carried mainly for them, just like the cheerios.
Ten years ago, my son died. I carried the grief of his passing clearly, the pain raw and exposed, probably to the point of making other people uncomfortable around me. His name was spoken in whispers around me, kindness showed to me by caring people afraid to open the wound that had not yet begun to heal. I remember thinking at the time that it never would heal.
I was right. That kind of wound never does heal fully. After experiencing pain that deep, that all consuming, you are left forever with a void. The void can not be filled, not with more children, sex, alcohol or drugs. The pain, however, does lessen. One day you wake up, and you realize that you can breathe, that life has been going on all around you, and people are depending on you, looking to you to help them with their grief and pain. It is always with me, and always will be. The pain has changed me, and carrying it has made me stronger, I think, and so appreciative of my children it's hard to let them grow up sometimes.
Ten years ago, I carried an engagement ring and a wedding ring on my left ring finger. They were symbols to the world, and to myself, that I belonged to someone. I wore them proudly, and in really bad times in my marriage, would look at them and tell myself they meant that I was okay, that I was loved. Ten years ago, I carried with me a deep, all encompassing need to be loved no matter what. I truly believed that if I was loved, if I was "in love", nothing else mattered, I was complete, a whole person. I could overlook anything, as long as I was "in love".
Today, my left ring finger is empty. My rings were taken off, and my marriage is over. They were replaced, briefly, wrongly by other rings, on two separate occasions. Not wedding rings, but symbols none the less. I was "in love", someone loved me, so therefore, I was okay. I no longer carry that need. Today, I feel that the word love is so highly overused, and so misused, that I don't believe in being "in love" anymore. It is a big realization for me to come to, that I don't believe in love. Of course, I love my children, but the other love, the intoxicating, you complete me, you had me at hello, love? No, I honestly don't believe in it anymore. That is kind of sad, I think, but it's okay for now, I'm good with that.
Ten years ago, I carried a secret. I hid this secret from everyone, guarding it with everything in me. I hid it, most especially, from myself. I thought about it sometimes, during long, sleepless nights. I would quickly force myself to think of something, anything else. To reveal the secret to myself, to open it up, lay it out and examine it, would mean questioning everything in my entire life. It would mean questioning my motherhood, my marriage, my role as a daughter, a sister, a friend. Doing that would require a strength almost super human, I thought, although I knew that many, many people had. I applauded them silently, in some hidden corner of my heart even envied them, but I knew, no matter what, I could never be like them.
Today, that secret is still with me. It isn't as guarded or protected anymore, shared with trusted, loyal friends and, finally, myself. The amazing thing is, I didn't die! No one has turned their back on me, no one has stopped talking to me, no one has told me I am no longer welcome in their life. I am humbled and saddened that I didn't give these amazing people the credit that they deserved from the beginning. Because of their openness, their acceptance, their love, I have been able to slowly, timidly, but with growing confidence, open my circle and share my secret with more and more people. People like me, people like you, people willing to turn a light on dark places, and prove, once and for all, that their is nothing so scary in the darkness. I lack the words to express my gratitude to them all.
My load was pretty heavy ten years ago, and I am so grateful that is is so much lighter today. There were a lot of bad things, a lot of painful, scary places that I wouldn't want my worst enemy to go through. I wouldn't change any of it though, looking back. All of the things I carried then have brought me to the place that I am now. While far, far, from perfect, I am in a pretty good place today, and for the first time in my life, I can't wait to see what happens next.
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